Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned

Forgive me father, for I was ambituous.

2009-12-15T20:35:00.000-08:00

Time is passing slowly, and this obsession is taking over, consuming my every thought and process in this deep search in order to regain my soul. I'm feeling inspired and built up yet at the same time feel completely helpless and broken down, when it comes to actually achieving my dreams. I want it all. Fame. Power. Money. The things that are most likely to destroy me even more to a point where I'm no longer myself. Just an empty shell of who I used to be. I live my life according to three words. Cupio, Devotio, Exitium. These very words are eating me alive and I feel myself slipping to the point of no return. I know of no other way. Desire, Devotion, Destruction is completely taking over.

Forgive me father, for I was lying.

2009-11-14T01:27:00.000-08:00

I'm perfectly fine.

I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.

I'm fine, at least that is what i will keep telling myself until it is true.

Forgive me father, for I was jealous.

2009-11-08T00:40:00.000-08:00

I miss the sound of your voice, you're sweet poisonous words that trickled into my soul through my ears as you whispered softly. Too bad you'll never learn what my love means. I wish it was me and not someone who belittles your amazing being. He'll never be good enough for you. Never.

Forgive me father, For I was comfortable.

2009-10-29T01:34:00.001-07:00

I've managed to escape. Was it a good idea?, we'll find out. But it was definitely done out of necessity. Life back home has become pleasant. I am feeling inspired. But I fear that when I leave so will my new found hope. I cannot allow myself to become stuck here. Not again. How do I leave the place that has allowed me to re-grasp who I am.

Only when time passes, will I know if I'm strong enough to make it again.

Forgive me father, for I was weak.

2009-10-10T04:55:00.001-07:00

My thoughts are wandering, the line between my day dreams and my realities, is becoming blurred. I can't seem to stay focused and I'm losing sleep constantly. I can feel myself trapping my soul in a form of constant monotony. The day becomes night in the blink of an eye, and I feel like I missed "it". Life. I have no idea what to do anymore. I feel myself giving up to failure. Deciding to go home or kill myself everyday is slowly creeping its way up to the top of my available options now. I'm scared beyond anytime I have been before. I'm losing myself, making myself sick. Tired of being stuck. I've completely lost faith in every ability and skill I have. What is going to be left after my rampage of self destruction? Do I not stand a chance anymore? No chance at a happy life, no chance at love, no chance of success? My heart is breaking with each passing day and when there is no longer anything to break, I will become dust and be forgotten.

Fate why be so cruel, don't I deserve to be happy ?

Forgive me father, for I was reckless.

2009-10-07T02:37:00.000-07:00

What I would give to feel this way again. If only for a little while. Too much has spiraled out of control. I've become careless with the way I live life. The life I aspire to live, is one that should not be pursued.

A raw smile, a real innocent smile made of pure joy. it feels like so long ago.

Forgive me father, for I was slothful.

2009-10-06T23:55:00.000-07:00

No sleep, no sobriety all weekend. I feel stuck in my life right now and the possibility that it can go into a million directions right now, scares the hell out of me. I don't want to make the wrong choice because I don't know if I handle having to start over again. I just feel lost. Alone. Scared. Things are changing and the sun is setting earlier, the days are short and the air is sharp. I guess I'm going to have to wait as the leaves fall to see where opportunities will open for me.

Mother Earth please bring good change with the coming season. Help me find my way.

Forgive me father, for I was wraithful.

2009-09-29T16:10:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of dealing with these stupid love games. When I ask something of you, I thought there would be some kind of respect for the importance that I ask it in. I'm so sick of having to deal with all these stupid people who call me dramatic when I am being disrespected in the same manner every time it happens. I only ask for respect and understanding. I am not afraid to destroy you. Do I really want to ? No. But when you have done this to me multiple times, being aware that you are hurting me purposefully, I will not turn my head in the other direction. I will not be pushed aside in my own life here, that I have spent a year building. I can control this, and we will play it by my rules, even though you aren't going to like them. But the law stands; Action - Reaction.

Karma.

Forgive me father, for I was ungrateful.

2009-09-25T04:44:00.000-07:00

Its now 4:45 a.m. of September 25th. The day I turn 20, and I'm not very excited. One of my friends had wished me a happy birthday but, I had asked him not to, to which he asked, "why?, you've lived another year". So? Yeah, I have managed to make it though another difficult year of my life [congradumotherfuckinglations], but if life is constantly throwing things at me, the way it has been, where do I find hope. Can I manage to live another year in hope that somewhere in between that time something will get better? The day I was born was the day I began my burden on others with my harsh twisted reality. I get no peace of mind knowing that each day I'm alive is counted against me, as a burden to those who support me. I no longer enjoy this life. Living each day wishing that it will get better soon. I'm over it. I'd be absolutely amazed if I manage to live a day past the age of 28.

Happy Birthday Jacob, you've managed not to kill yourself for 20 years, hope the next 20 are just as grand. :/

Forgive my father, for I was prideful.

2009-09-24T03:29:00.000-07:00

The day lingers on. I have new plans to make and new adventures to come. All I know at this point is that I cannot and will not return to where I have been. I am much better than what those people say, I can go beyond anything they have ever imagined. Their mistake is my gain, my world has completely opened further than I thought it would ever be. What lies ahead is unknown and all is left in chance.

Universe grant me patience in my blind faith.

Forgive me father, for I was naive.

2009-09-22T05:13:00.000-07:00

Insomnia has got the best of me tonight, and though I can not sleep, I keep thinking about a reoccurring dream I have. Its of me walking, far and long, with no clear destination in mind. I keep walking until my shoes ware down and my bare feet begin to hit the ground, and yet I keep walking. I keep walking until I begin to bleed and still I keep going, leaving bloody foot prints behind me.

Its a simple dream but it scares the hell out of me.
Sometimes I fear for myself, I know someday if I'm not careful
I know I will kill myself.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference"

Forgive me father, for I was selfish.

2009-09-21T14:58:00.000-07:00

The only thing worth having
is something I dont have.

and its becoming really hard to find the will to keep hoping
to one day have it.